There is no grand plan, and nothing we do matters in the great cosmic scheme of things. This much I have faith in.
Because of that, all that matters is what we do. Action and inaction, give and take, flow and struggle, all in the moment.
That’s all we have – the here and now.
I have faith in that too.
To paraphrase a quote I ran across a few years ago, “Every once in a while a film comes along. This is such a film.” However, in this one they blew some things up too. That’s 300 Miles to Graceland in a nutshell. Having low expectations for the movie, I will say it lived up to them beautifully, and was an entertaining way to spend two hours.
Tonight as I was digging around on my hard drive I found something I was working on several months ago. I touched it up a little, dropped it into HTML, and viola – the Rants section of Inside the Mindless has another piece. I’ll be continuing work on it in the next few weeks, and I have two more rants in the wings as well. The working titles are “Don’t Get Attached – It’s not Permanent” and “What’s That Tattoo Mean?” So for all of you breathlessly waiting for tattooed white trash with an attitude to spout off about something, go elsewhere. I may be a country hick some days, but I don’t fall into the trash category.
In positive news, I have just been promoted at work. Go me! I’ve officially left the working ranks and risen into the smoggy clouds of management – the new title is “Director of Software Development”. Pretty cool for a laid back hick who got his start digging post holes and skinning deer and elk in the back of a refrigerated truck box on blocks.
If this is love than I
Have been so sorely mistaken
If this is peace than I
have been so falsely awakened
-Live , Negation
Some things are easier to get through than others. It’s hard not to hold on to a dream, especially when I lived a part of that dream for a long time. But holding on only makes it hurt longer. So how does a person let go? It’s easy to say, “I’m going to let go and move on now.” It’s also easy to say “I’m going to be rich and famous.” Empty words. It’s action and emotion and feeling that get balled up into “what if’s”.
If this were a movie plot
I wouldn’t believe it
But if this were a movie I could
Get up and leave it
-Coyote Shivers, If
But this isn’t a movie. It’s reality – or at least one that three of my dimensions exist in. Getting up and leaving it is just not in my game plan. As the grand saying goes, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”
I was starting to make some plans I really liked. They just hinged a little too much on someone else. So the great question becomes – do I trash those plans forever? Probably not. But for me this has become a clear case of desire causing suffering – classic buddhist example number one. Desire something strongly and you give it the power to make you suffer.
Do I regret it?
Nope.
Will I do it again?
Yep.
But not this month. I’m still a little raw around the edges. I’d probably just end up causing more pain to someone else. But fuck this “Take some time to figure out how to be yourself again” crap. I know who I am. Got a pretty good handle on that one, thank you very much. I also know that I’m a fluid being – and always will be. I’ll continue to change right up till I’m recycled. Bring different people into my life, and I’ll change in different ways. Have people leave my life, and I’ll change also.
I just didn’t really want to go through this set of changes.
If this were a movie
I’d say the acting is pretty bad
Everyone’s stiff
The dialogue is so sad
-Coyote Shivers, If
Valentine’s Day. An appropriate time for the first poem I’ve written in quite a while to be posted to the site. Alone is obviously not a happy piece, but life isn’t always happy. Sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s downright painfull. But there is always tomorrow.
Tomorrow it could be better.
Or maybe the day after.
waking dreams of her warmth
half felt half remembered
summon waves of pain and confusion
surging in the darkness
eyes heavy with tears
wings of memory buffeting my mind
spinning out of control amidst pictures
of beauty that dissolve at my touch
forced to acknowledge what is lost
a battered soul falling
into a chasm of broken dreams
and fear
love will never keep it’s promise
to heal my wounds
I will have do it
alone
A work in progress.
The Early Years
I started out in the center of the universe, like most people do. Things were going just fine, sledding in the winter sunshine, coloring with Mom in front of the crackling wood burning stove, walking along the creek watching the butterflies. The usual things a small child enjoys growing up in rural America. Then came the first rude awakening. I wasn’t the center of the universe after all. Things went downhill from there for quite a while. I figured out that when dad smelled like beer, it was a good idea to be in the other room. That a Band-Aid and a kiss couldn’t fix everything, and that when Mommy cried, the whole world fell apart.
Life stays simple for a while; desire and action are pure without worries of long term consequences or social embarrassment. I learned that to laugh in the sunshine and that to ride with every ounce of muscle, sinew, and soul had a reward far greater than the effort expended. Watching ants disassemble a leaf was a glorious way to spend part of an afternoon, and swimming in the canal near the undertow signs was exhilarating.
Soon enough the lessons become more painful. When tools aren’t put back where you found them, you’ll be lucky to escape a beating. That grandpa has the power to make dad cry just like dad can do to you, and pointing that out is a bad idea. Kicking a chicken that pecks you when nobody saw it peck first makes for another night of eating dinner standing at the table. It’s also a bad idea to punch grandpa when he dumps a pitcher of water on you to wake you up in the morning. Fighting fire with fire is dangerous.
Some lessons aren’t learned at home. School teaches many things, like how to make friends and enemies. That picking on a kid because he won’t fight back leaves a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Being outnumbered means being the first to run for it. Having a true friend means you can trust him to trip the bully coming up behind you. Authority can only be counted on to enforce it’s rules on those who aren’t popular, charming, or present to defend themselves.
When the teenage years hit in full force, I bought a cheap car, talked my way into a late curfew, and my social interactions changed in tone. Being mobile and impressionable, I picked up a few new habits. Smoking, drinking, and unrequited love come in one big package, and I couldn’t figure out how to handle any of them at first. Smoking is a great social tool for those of us who are shy and awkward around new people. Drinking makes it ok to be stupid and angry and hurt and forgetful – just like it does for our fathers. Love just hurts. I know it’s not always supposed to, but it usually does.
Not all of the lessons of youth were painful ones. The incredible beauty to be found in the meadowlark’s song on a clear winter’s morning, for example. That’s something I will never forget. Pure beauty echoing off the hills in the crisp morning air. The sense of relief when a truck pulls off the road next to the broken down car you’re cursing. The honest joy you can feel by doing the same for someone else. Heartfelt thanks from a neighbor for going just a little bit out of your way to lend a helping hand. Satisfaction from a job well done after spending all afternoon on a chainsaw loading in the winter’s wood.
Somehow these things of pride and beauty were overshadowed during a period of blackness, and I came nearer to checking out of my own volition than anyone should. It shook me almost as much as it shook those who loved me, and I decided to take an active control of my life. The only way I could see to get clear of my path was to leave the state and my associates behind. To build a fresh start a little better, a little cleaner, and a little more under my control.
The East Coast
When I hit the East Coast, I was very aware that I was hanging on by a thread. I had to pull my head together, and find internal strength or I wasn’t going to make it very far. So I shut myself away from the social circles in school, and threw myself into two things. Therapy and my after school job as a draftsman and budding computer geek. I learned to be peaceful by myself again, and to take pride in not only working faster and better, but in helping others work faster and better as well.
Eventually I did reach out and make two friends before I graduated high school, but only one of those has lasted through the years. And even that friendship has changed in its tone and timbre over the years. The rebellious streak started to raise its head again, and I was off to live in a dorm room at a university I wasn’t attending. I nearly threw away my job chasing the parties and women. I couldn’t live my life in an extreme of solitude. The backlash nearly destroyed all I had grown.
Love beckoned, and I barely looked once before jumping in. Good decision, bad decision… doesn’t really matter. It seemed like the right thing at the time. We moved in together with another friend as a roommate, and I went straight to financial hell. I learned that given a credit limit, I would quickly fill it. That I didn’t know how to say “No” or “You must get a job” to someone I loved, and didn’t know where to draw the line between my personal health and mental stability and what I thought the relationship needed.
I worked so hard to make the relationship work that I forgot the person I was. I also neglected to notice that the person I lost was the one that started the relationship. That earlier person was the one who was desired and loved, and had I kept true to that psyche, things might have turned out differently. It took many years to realize this. By the time I did, I was already married, miserable, and as desperate for a way out as I had ever been in my life.
There were lessons I learned in my first stay on the East Coast that weren’t painful. How to walk alone with confidence in any social situation. How to use my heritage and upbringing to my advantage. How to take responsibility in the business world. That the beauty of the Appalachians was different than that of the Rockies, but they were beautiful nonetheless.
Intermission
Where am I going with this? Not sure. When am I continuing? Not sure either.
