Somehow when the chaos reached it’s peak and my emotions were raging out of control I heard a small click in the back of my mind. At first I wondered if that was my breaking point – did I just lose it? Was that the first crack in all my new support structures? Do I get to look forward to another two months of emotional hell as I relive the loss all over again?

But the pain eased off, and I sat in my little pile of broken dreams, staring around in wonder at the light I could see in the sky. I finally felt sure of myself, and confident in my ability to walk the path before me. So what happened to my mind? What was that click? I’m still not sure, but I think it was the last thread of hope that I could ever get back what is past. Sure, it’s still a nice thought, but I know through and though that life won’t ever be like it was again. That golden age is gone forever, and I can finally look forward to the next ones, for these are always the golden years.

I slept like a baby last night, and she wasn’t waiting for me in my dreams.

Freedom from desire is truly a wondrous path to the end of suffering.

It’s not something that can be forced – it just finally happens.

I just received an email that was like a blow to gut. I didn’t think it would make my hands start shaking like this… make the world spin at a crazy angle… make my heart quiver. Just the subject line alone made a chill run down my spine, and I feel like a child again, uncertain of the noise in the woods, hoping it’s a friend, afraid it’s something else.

I wish I could believe in prayer, or faith in something that everything will work out for the best in the end. I just don’t know.

The eye of the hurricane is beyond my reach right now, and the storm has taken over.

What a pessimistic statement that is, but it’s very true. Nothing stays around forever, whether we want it to or not. Entropy catches up with everything. Things in this world come and go, and all the energy we can muster can only slightly alter the schedule. This isn’t a cause for alarm in the right mindset though, nor is it cause for celebration. It just is.

Money is a very obvious example of this principle. First you’ve got it, and then you spend it. If you get attached to it and try to hold on, you deprive yourself of nice things to enjoy, or you deprive yourself and others of good memories and experiences. So what’s the point to holding on to it? Well if you don’t, and something goes bad, then you won’t have any later. Well here’s a newsflash – something bad will happen later regardless. If you take the suffering now, you can ease some of it later. If you put off the suffering till later and enjoy the purchasing power now, you still have more suffering to look forward to in the future.

I’m sensing a bleak tone here, boys and girls. Suffering is there no matter which choice we make with money. But wait – it gets worse. Money is something that we all claim to hate and feel resentful towards. Let’s take a look at something we’re taught is a good thing – people and relationships. Those we love and care about. Let’s look at them as they walk away from us, or are driven away from us, or finally drop dead unless we beat them to it. Now that’s a lot of suffering, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Like Wesley said, “Life is pain Highness, anyone who says differently is selling something.”

I don’t think I need to run through any more examples to get this point across. Buddha is right and there’s no arguing with it. So why go on? If it’s just going to suck, why not end it all? Just take the easy way, and check out prematurely? For some, that’s probably the best option. Most of the rest of the world stays around for one common reason. Fear.

“Fear?” you say. “What the hell is he talking about now?”

I’m talking about fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of losing status-quo, of no longer waking up to the familiar. They’ve become too attached to something that’s not permanent. Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. It’s all going to be over some day anyway, but most people run screaming from facing that thought and its ramifications. They clutch tight to the illusions and tunnel vision they’ve built around themselves. The survival instinct is rooted deep in our minds and culture. What most people lose sight of is that survival drive is only good for the species in the long run. When you play the long odds, everyone’s survival rate drops to zero.

Everything I’ve seen and lived through has shown me that there is no great plan, no mysterious reason that’s going to make it all worthwhile. So quit burning up in a futile search for it. It’s not just a pretty shallow way to travel through life, it’s also very hard path to break free from. First, you have to see the trap for what it is. Then you have to decide if you want out or not. Only then can you try to find the strength to live for something, rather than live running from everything. And I do mean try.

So what is there to live for in my dark, disturbed little world view here? Only transitory spots of bliss and pain in no particular order. Stop looking so far ahead, stop looking for the man behind the curtain, stop looking for the script you weren’t given, and take it all in as equally precious. Life is too short and tenuous to plod through half asleep bumping into the poor slob who is next in line. Enjoy the pain as well as the bliss – it’s all momentary anyway. Let it all run through the marrow of your bones and fill the deepest reaches of your mind. Just remember not to take any of it too seriously. Treat matters of great concern lightly. Treat matters of small concern seriously. Ignore the propaganda, focus on what you see.

And may whatever Powers That Be help you if you start thinking about it all too much. Chances are you’ll never be at peace again.