The last post of the year. This should be something momentous. Something to summarize. To wrap it all up. To collate a years worth of experiences into a nicely digestible chunk of information for posterity.

Nah – I think I’ll just ramble on in typical fashion for a while, and see what comes out.

So what does it all mean?

Nothing. Everything. Seeing turquoise with your eyes shut. Feeling a hole rotting in your stomach as you desperately try to make sense of moral crimes.

The highs and the lows are both bonus we get for traveling around on the little dirt ball in space. Lately some of the highs have been scraping the stars, and the lows have been approaching the bottom of the gravity well.

I feel so alive.

Not for the very first time, as POD would have us think (song/band reference for those not up on pop culture), but enjoying it even more now that I’m able to see the crests and valleys with a long point of view. Ripening with age.

Where have I been for the last month? All over the place. The roller coaster of life has taken me through a few very unexpected twists. There are some very good things going on in my life right now, and some very, very bad ones as well.

On the good side, that paintball tournament I mentioned a long time ago went very well. The Short Bus team took third place overall, and we were the only team to score a hit on the team that took first place. Not too shabby I figure. I upgraded my gun a few weeks ago as well, but I haven’t had a chance to get back on the field to see how it works.

Chinook is also coming along very well. Foot controls are in place, a seat should be waiting for me at work right now, and I’ve found a guy to do the body and paint work. I’m meeting with him tomorrow to talk about designs and concepts – hopefully we’ll click and he’ll be in my price range.

Things with my lady are also going great. Unfortunately she’s been down with bronchitis the last few days, but I’ve been able to spend a lot of time taking care of her and the animals, which has been really cool.

On the very, very bad side, I’m not going to say much. There has been a tragedy in the family. A few family members are pretty shattered right now, and it will be months, if not years, before everything will be at a fully even keel again. It has shaken me quite a bit as well, and is forcing me to do a lot of soul searching. If you read this and don’t know what’s going on, please don’t ask. There is only a top layer of detail that I’m willing to talk about openly, and it usually only leads to questions that aren’t mine to answer.

The sun’s first rays sneaking through the trees
Breaking into the playground in my mind
Fingerprints on the mood swing show some recent use
Teeter-totter of indecision knocked clean off its stand
Broken and unused for years
Like the merry-go-round of love
Grown over with weeds
Rusted in place
The bars feel rough under my hands
I close my eyes, and feel a soft push
The smell of fresh cut grass rushes back
Laughter in the air
Wind rushing over my skin
I smile
And open my eyes
Haven’t moved an inch
Yet my heart has traveled miles
In moments
With a gentle touch

Had an awesome time playing paintball today. I lost count of how many kills I had around 15 or so, and in one game I was holding off between 9 and 12 players for almost 10 minutes by myself before they got the balls to cut me down. Met a whole bunch of very cool guys, and we decided to get together into a couple teams and enter the tournament that’s coming up next Sunday. I know I’m going to have a great time, but I’d also like to win it. Second place is the first loser and all that.

Kicking back hoping to hear from my lady tonight, and listening to a little Mr. Boyd.

When I see you read by the candlelight

I wonder who hurt your eyes

Some people like happy endings

I’ve always liked the surprise

I’ve got a map here in my pocket

That shows where Lucifer fell

Yeah, I’ll fall from heaven

If you’ll just guide me through hell

Let’s rent a car and drive it

A million miles away

Let’s start a fire and survive it

A million miles away

Let’s steal the sun and hide it

A million miles away

Let’s find the storm and ride it

A million miles away

- Jim Boyd

Powerful words. Powerful emotions.

Willing to risk it all, to throw a heart into the sky to hope it never comes down.

Or did he already cast it up?

Life is great.

There’s this beautiful woman who is as crazy about me as I am about her, I’m falling ass over teakettle, and enjoying every minute of it. Just when I gave up hope and decided to stop looking, something wonderful sat down in front of me and smiled. Damn it feels good. I hope this one won’t leave too many scars if it goes sour, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
- Albert Schweitzer

My inner fire was by no means out, but it wasn’t burning nearly as bright as it can. Sometimes inspiration comes from within, and sometimes it’s sparked by someone else. Those people are both very rare, and very special.

There’s a new poem up in the poetry section – Tasting the Trail. This one has been a few weeks in development, and after a very helpful sanity/continuity check by a good friend, I’m quite proud of the results. Check it out and let me know if it speaks to you.

Chinook is coming along beautifully as well. I just got the front foot pegs on last night, put a towel over the seat pan, and finally saddled up. My God is it comfortable! The hand and foot placement is perfect for my height – just like sitting in a recliner. It’s a good thing I’m not planning on selling her though, there’s no way anyone who is under about 5’-10” would be able to reach the controls without a pillow.

To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics; to appreciate beauty; to give of one’s self; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – that is to have succeeded.
- Harry Emerson Fosdick

This month I feel like I am succeeding.

No.

I am living.