I know is isn’t fair
But once you’re aware
You can track back all you want
You can mourn for what’s gone
But you’re up either way
You better deal with your day

- John Popper, Once You Wake Up

I lost a friend last week. Or more correctly, I permanently lost the chance to reconnect. Many years ago I lost touch with Mike. My life went in a different direction from his. I moved into a new relationship, family life, and put aside my partying and riding. I also fell out of touch with most of our common friends. He hit some very hard times, and lost the will to keep going. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Probably it was both. But we’ll never know.

I am so far out of touch with old friends and family that no one even called me directly to tell me the news. Not saying that in anger, or in bitterness. Just acknowledging the state of things.

Mike and I met in a topless bar about 12 years ago. We spent the next four or five years riding, partying, and chasing dreams. Once four of us were riding together as a tight group, we decided the group needed a name – the Short Bus Crew, or the House of the Fallen when in Scadian settings. Basically a good bunch of guys. We rode for fun, not to cause trouble.  Same way we drank. Or at least the way we intended to drink. Sometimes things got out of hand – usually with Mike. He drank first, he drank last, and he often drank to excess. Definitely the case on his last night.

I’m not sure if the gathering of family and friends at a funeral parlor is properly called a funeral or memorial service. No speeches were made and no procession occurred to a cemetery or church. But whatever it is called, it’s a time for survivors to gather and reflect.

I saw people there I haven’t seen in years. Some of them at least eight or nine years. People I met at Pennsic and the old Bruce conventions back in 93 and 94. Family I haven’t spoken more than a few words to in a year. People I held very dear to my heart. People I loved. People who in some cases I’m not sure just how I feel about anymore. A couple I might like to know again. Not sure how. Not sure what that would mean.

I left early.

Lots rolling in my head. Heavy mind. Need to work it through. Haven’t been able to think properly in a long time. Clouded thoughts, conflicting priorities.