What a pessimistic statement that is, but it’s very true. Nothing stays around forever, whether we want it to or not. Entropy catches up with everything. Things in this world come and go, and all the energy we can muster can only slightly alter the schedule. This isn’t a cause for alarm in the right mindset though, nor is it cause for celebration. It just is.

Money is a very obvious example of this principle. First you’ve got it, and then you spend it. If you get attached to it and try to hold on, you deprive yourself of nice things to enjoy, or you deprive yourself and others of good memories and experiences. So what’s the point to holding on to it? Well if you don’t, and something goes bad, then you won’t have any later. Well here’s a newsflash – something bad will happen later regardless. If you take the suffering now, you can ease some of it later. If you put off the suffering till later and enjoy the purchasing power now, you still have more suffering to look forward to in the future.

I’m sensing a bleak tone here, boys and girls. Suffering is there no matter which choice we make with money. But wait – it gets worse. Money is something that we all claim to hate and feel resentful towards. Let’s take a look at something we’re taught is a good thing – people and relationships. Those we love and care about. Let’s look at them as they walk away from us, or are driven away from us, or finally drop dead unless we beat them to it. Now that’s a lot of suffering, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Like Wesley said, “Life is pain Highness, anyone who says differently is selling something.”

I don’t think I need to run through any more examples to get this point across. Buddha is right and there’s no arguing with it. So why go on? If it’s just going to suck, why not end it all? Just take the easy way, and check out prematurely? For some, that’s probably the best option. Most of the rest of the world stays around for one common reason. Fear.

“Fear?” you say. “What the hell is he talking about now?”

I’m talking about fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of losing status-quo, of no longer waking up to the familiar. They’ve become too attached to something that’s not permanent. Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. It’s all going to be over some day anyway, but most people run screaming from facing that thought and its ramifications. They clutch tight to the illusions and tunnel vision they’ve built around themselves. The survival instinct is rooted deep in our minds and culture. What most people lose sight of is that survival drive is only good for the species in the long run. When you play the long odds, everyone’s survival rate drops to zero.

Everything I’ve seen and lived through has shown me that there is no great plan, no mysterious reason that’s going to make it all worthwhile. So quit burning up in a futile search for it. It’s not just a pretty shallow way to travel through life, it’s also very hard path to break free from. First, you have to see the trap for what it is. Then you have to decide if you want out or not. Only then can you try to find the strength to live for something, rather than live running from everything. And I do mean try.

So what is there to live for in my dark, disturbed little world view here? Only transitory spots of bliss and pain in no particular order. Stop looking so far ahead, stop looking for the man behind the curtain, stop looking for the script you weren’t given, and take it all in as equally precious. Life is too short and tenuous to plod through half asleep bumping into the poor slob who is next in line. Enjoy the pain as well as the bliss – it’s all momentary anyway. Let it all run through the marrow of your bones and fill the deepest reaches of your mind. Just remember not to take any of it too seriously. Treat matters of great concern lightly. Treat matters of small concern seriously. Ignore the propaganda, focus on what you see.

And may whatever Powers That Be help you if you start thinking about it all too much. Chances are you’ll never be at peace again.

If this is love than I
Have been so sorely mistaken
If this is peace than I
have been so falsely awakened
-Live , Negation

Some things are easier to get through than others. It’s hard not to hold on to a dream, especially when I lived a part of that dream for a long time. But holding on only makes it hurt longer. So how does a person let go? It’s easy to say, “I’m going to let go and move on now.” It’s also easy to say “I’m going to be rich and famous.” Empty words. It’s action and emotion and feeling that get balled up into “what if’s”.

If this were a movie plot
I wouldn’t believe it
But if this were a movie I could
Get up and leave it
-Coyote Shivers, If

But this isn’t a movie. It’s reality – or at least one that three of my dimensions exist in. Getting up and leaving it is just not in my game plan. As the grand saying goes, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”

I was starting to make some plans I really liked. They just hinged a little too much on someone else. So the great question becomes – do I trash those plans forever? Probably not. But for me this has become a clear case of desire causing suffering – classic buddhist example number one. Desire something strongly and you give it the power to make you suffer.

Do I regret it?

Nope.

Will I do it again?

Yep.

But not this month. I’m still a little raw around the edges. I’d probably just end up causing more pain to someone else. But fuck this “Take some time to figure out how to be yourself again” crap. I know who I am. Got a pretty good handle on that one, thank you very much. I also know that I’m a fluid being – and always will be. I’ll continue to change right up till I’m recycled. Bring different people into my life, and I’ll change in different ways. Have people leave my life, and I’ll change also.

I just didn’t really want to go through this set of changes.

If this were a movie
I’d say the acting is pretty bad
Everyone’s stiff
The dialogue is so sad
-Coyote Shivers, If